Don’t Tebow Me, Bro

28 Mar

I didn’t write about Tim Tebow yet because he was still playing in Denver, and until you come to New York, really, am I supposed to waste interweb real estate on you?

I don’t care one way or another about Tebow. He’s a mediocre football player who’s had a nice run of it, and has gotten more media attention than his abilities warrant.

But I am not going to badmouth him because of his faith. “Of course you’re not, Jake, who would do such a thing?” Actually, plenty.  A lot of people want him to fail simply because he is religious and somewhat outspoken about it. Because he did an anti-abortion commercial, because he kneels in prayer before the game and after he scores. (This may be a public display of faith, but Tebow does not point the camera at himself and broadcast it nationwide.) It’s not that Tebow is proselytizing – he isn’t. He just happens to wear his faith on his sleeve. He kneels and other people call it Tebowing. He didn’t invent the word.

Yes, Tim Tebow is very religious, and yes, he thanks God a lot. And….? If you’ve watched even one sporting event, someone is going to cross himself, point to the sky, and thank God. If you’ve watched one Oscar/Emmy/Espy, someone is going to thank God for their talent, their agent for the part, and their manager for the hookers and cocaine.

Let me tell you something – I don’t give a shit what you believe in, who you fuck, what color you are, what planet you’re from, who you voted for, whether you’re pro-choice or pro-life, if you are XX or XY, vegetarian, vegan, omnivore, carnivore.  Just be decent in your dealings with people, and I’m cool with you. You will find assholes in all walks of life – people to mock and humiliate because they’re lousy human beings. But why should I hate on a kid just because he believes in God and is….nice? That’s what most people who’ve met him say – that he’s a nice guy.

I’ve met people who think the world is 5,000 years old, and you know what? I liked them. They were good people who treated me with dignity and respect. I may disagree with them on certain rather large issues, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t break bread with them, or that I would badmouth them behind their backs. And I have met atheists who call me a coward because I am an agnostic and haven’t gone all-in with total the non-believership thing.

Tebow is a religious Christian, and therefore, has a lot of fans who are also religious Christians, people who may not have been fans of him if he wasn’t of their faith. Is this somehow wrong?  Jews loved Hank Greenberg and Sandy Koufax. Chinese-Americans have embraced Jeremy Lin. He is one of their own, he makes them proud. That’s why I root for the Chicago Cubs – they’re losers, albeit loveable ones.

I’m a non-believer (though, yes, technically an agnostic and therefore a wishy-washy, craven, probably secret-closeted-deist type of non-believer), and am not a particularly big fan of religions in general. In fact, I like to make fun of them a lot, examples:

  • Catholics: either transubstantiation is: a) not really transubstantiation, or: b) cannibalism.  Also, all your priests like little boys.
  • Jews: no bacon, no lobster, no firing up a joint on the Sabbath (day of rest my ass), no wonder you’re all basket cases. Thankfully that whole sex through a sheet thing is mishegas.
  • Muslims: actually, I’m not going to make a joke at your expense, mainly because I don’t want you to explode me.
  • Buddhists: You’re not a religion, you’re what people who call themselves “spiritual” like to think they are.
  • Mormons: when the coolest member of your faith is a Jeopardy champion, you have issues.
  • Scientologists: your religion was made up by a D-level sci-fi writer.

See, I don’t really care much for organized religions. I don’t want some revered group of elders telling me what my philosophy is supposed to be. But individuals who happen to be religious – I have nothing against them. Unless you’re a douchenozzle like Pat Robertson.

I think a lot of the anti-Tebowness stems from Tebow himself being co-opted by the religious right. It is a bit maddening to listen to people who think that God is helping Tim Tebow win. Even Tim Tebow doesn’t think that. (Apparently, God was on vacation when he played the Patriots .) There are hundreds of religious players in the NFL, why should God single out Tebow for victory, and not another good Christian?

If there is any reason to find the whole Tebowmania annoying, it’s because he is not that good of a quarterback. But I am not going to root for him to fail just because he believes in a different God (3 in 1) than I do (drunk).

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