Archive | Pissing on the Third Rail RSS feed for this section

Who Should I Vote For?

4 Feb

I don’t know. I really don’t. What don’t you know, Jake? Who I’m going to vote for. Duh, you’re voting for Bernie. You already said that on Facebook like a thousand times. I know, I know, I know. But I’m having some doubts. Oy, now you tell me. Okay, what’s going on, bubala? So, a […]

One Week Out

14 Jan

I.    Fuck Religion The ghastly, horrific slaughter at the offices of the French humor newspaper Charlie Hebdo only reinforce my belief that religion – in our supposedly post-Enlightenment era – is a relic from a time when the world honestly believed in what we now consider myths. The Bible is a wonderful book…of fairytales […]

World Gone Mad

20 Aug

It’s been a beautiful summer. At least in New York. Winter was harsh, and all the predictors and prognosticators foresaw a summer perfectly representational of global warming: hot, humid, a regular morning commute armpit soaker. That’s what we’ve been getting the past few years. A decent May. A June that is just a bit too […]

Schlemiel/Schlemazel

24 Jul

I’m being set up. I can always tell. I walk into the bar and there are five other people. Two couples I recognize and some lady with dark hair and fishnet stockings, pale skin, nice legs, the former-Goth look I’ve always had an itch for. At least my friends know my taste, I think as […]

The Fault in Ourselves

28 May

My girlfriend dumped me. She did so in public, and very loudly. She said some horrible nasty things about me, some that were true, but many that were not. Other people heard. Some laughed at me. Some gave me looks of pity. One woman gave my girlfriend an obligatory “You go girl,” as Zelda humiliated […]

The Boredom of Bigotry

7 May

Nietzsche’s Theory of Eternal Recurrence didn’t actually originate with Nietzsche, but rather – one might say – recurred yet again with him after being propounded many times before. It can be found in the philosophies of the ancients, as well as symbolized in the Buddhist wheel of time and the Hindu concept of karma and the […]

We, the Chosen People

5 Feb

I was once asked whether I was Jew first or an American first. It wasn’t meant as an accusation. This was not some House subcommittee on loyalty and patriotism. This was just someone asking out of curiosity. In fact, I’ve been asked this same question a few times in my life, though not nearly as […]

I May Be An Asshole, But At Least I’m Not A Racist (Most Of The Time)

13 Mar

About a month after I moved to New York in 1994, I found myself on an empty subway car in the middle of the night. The subway stopped, and three black guys got on. I immediately tensed up. I, a nice Jewish kid from the north (white) side of Chicago, suddenly felt an instinctual fear […]

An Open Intervention for the NRA

26 Dec

Come in, please. Have a seat. No, It’s not a party in your honor. Not exactly. I mean, it’s in your honor, but it’s not a party. Oh, one more thing. Can you please check your guns at the door. Don’t lie to me, I know you’re carrying. We all know you’re carrying. That’s why […]

An Escape

19 Dec

I was going to write about guns. Again. I very much dislike guns, as I pointed out after the Colorado and Jovan Belcher shootings. Read those and you will understand my thoughts regarding firearms. I hope at some point in the near future to address guns not in response to them being used on a […]