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Thanks Obama

6 Jan

Sometimes I get sad. Uninspired. Lethargic with the weight of the world and my powerlessness at changing one whit of it. This melancholy more often than not has propelled me to the bars where I can drink beer and whiskey and forget. Of course, beer and whiskey does not make one forget. That’s just a […]

An Open Letter to the President-Elect

12 Nov

Dear President-Elect Assclown McFuckface: FUCK YOU! No, seriously, fuck you with a rusty spatula, dipped in battery acid, covered in barbed wire and poison ivy. Fuck you for bullying and mocking just about everyone in this country. Fuck you for empowering bullies like you to feel once again comfortable to open their mouths in public […]

Who Should I Vote For?

4 Feb

I don’t know. I really don’t. What don’t you know, Jake? Who I’m going to vote for. Duh, you’re voting for Bernie. You already said that on Facebook like a thousand times. I know, I know, I know. But I’m having some doubts. Oy, now you tell me. Okay, what’s going on, bubala? So, a […]

The One About That Asshole Running For President

21 Sep

I resisted. I had better things to do. I had worse things to do. Far worse, but more fun, more enjoyable. Stuff that would have lasting positive memories. I could watch baseball. Hang out with friends. Write stories about the sad and lonely (my specialty). I could enjoy summer in New York, walk the parks, […]

Leaving

6 Aug

In David Foster Wallace’s epic, monstrous, some would say tortuous and incomprehensible tome, Infinite Jest, a film is made that is so addictively entertaining, that it makes viewers lose interest in anything else. They basically become vegetables who can no longer take care of themselves and who eventually die.[1] This plot is interspersed with a […]

Hockey and Jazz and Wine (“Oh My”)

10 Jun

I’m pretty smart, or at least I like to think I’m pretty smart. I’m the guy who, when he gets on just about any topic, has an opinion that will not be relinquished without undue force. Arguing an idea is like a medieval battle, with two foes going after one another until both are bloody […]

One Week Out

14 Jan

I.    Fuck Religion The ghastly, horrific slaughter at the offices of the French humor newspaper Charlie Hebdo only reinforce my belief that religion – in our supposedly post-Enlightenment era – is a relic from a time when the world honestly believed in what we now consider myths. The Bible is a wonderful book…of fairytales […]

The Awards Season of Your Life

7 Jan

When I was younger I had the best Oscar speech. Then I got over the delusion that I would ever win an Oscar. I still have the Oscar speech, which is pretty darned good for one that doesn’t show devout (or any) appreciation to god. I still watch the Oscars, not that I really care […]

Why Bother?

6 Nov

In February of 2002 I lost my job. Actually, everyone in my firm lost their job. I was out of work for a couple of months (which perfectly coincided with the two months of severance I was given) before I was finally hired by the wig factory, for which I have been stitching and weaving […]

Why I’ve Stopped Watching Jon Stewart

1 Oct

I used to have this ritual, or habit, or just something I did. I woke up, screamed at the world for waking up so damned early, rolled out of bed (literally, I actually had to put some pillows on the floor to make sure I didn’t bruise), went to the fridge for a piece of […]